Yes, I have read the Twilight books. Yes, I own them. Yes, I went to the midnight showings of the films (but laughed heartily throughout). I kind of love to hate them. Or I love to hate myself for liking them. My relationship with Twilight is very complicated, more so than that between Bob and Leland Palmer on "Twin Peaks." (Obviously Bob is the Twilight in this scenario.) I read Twilight soon after New Moon had been published, so it was fairly early in the series' growing popularity. There were no movies, there was no Breaking Dawn of Crap, there was no ZOMG RPATTZ SQUEEEEEEEEE frozen dildos etc. I came to it pure, man. I had no idea what the story was about--no clue there would be vampires. Why does the good-looking guy hate the new girl so much? Why does he disappear? Why did he ... OMG HE JUST STOPPED A VAN WITH HIS HAND. ARE THEY KISSING? THERE IS KISSING OMG.
To put it mildly, I enjoyed the shit out of it.
Then the tweens had to come and ruin it all. But whatever, it happens. I mean, HOW DARE the intended audience for a book REALLY LIKE THE BOOK and BUY THINGS AT HOT TOPIC RELATED TO THE BOOK, THEREBY STIMULATING THE ECONOMY? I mean, HOW DARE THEY?
(Actually, what ruined it for me was the third book, with its PRE-MARITAL SEX IS BAD, MMMKAY, BECAUSE IT WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL LIKE WAYYYY WORSE THAN BECOMING A VAMPIRE, BECAUSE WHILE GOD MAY HATE DEMONS, BOY OH BOY DOES HE HATE SLUTS EVEN MORE, but that's a story for another time.)
Like I said, it's complicated, me and Twilight. I regret hooking up with Twilight after prom.
But now I'm reading Becca Fitzpatrick's Hush, Hush, a book I highly suspect is a retooled fanfic of Twilight. I have a feeling Fitzpatrick did a find/replace with "vampire" and put in "fallen angel." Here are other bits of evidence:
|See, the covers are TOTALLY different.|
- Mysterious, weird, cocky yet hotttttt boy takes sudden interest in the brainy narrator.
- They start interacting when they're made partners in biology. (Side note: MY GOD, DO HIGH SCHOOL KIDS TAKE ANY OTHER CLASSES THAN BIOLOGY? FIND ANOTHER CLASS! THERE ARE NICE CLASSES, LIKE HISTORY! MATH! ENGLISH! SPANISH! BAND! CHEMISTRY! I MEAN THERE'S A WHOLE UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION THING BUILT RIGHT INTO CHEMISTRY, CATALYSTS, DENATURIZING PROTEINS, UMM ERLENMEYER FLASKS ...)
- Brainy narrator is woefully uncoordinated.
- There is a strange situation involving a speeding car and a body slamming against it, wherein no one is hurt. And MAYBE IT DIDN'T REALLY HAPPEN ZOMG.
- There is an awful lot of "X pinched the bridge of his/her nose." Classic Meyer.
|I mean, the fonts are, like, really seriffly different.|
- The dreamy ZOMG mysterious vampire in Twilight is named Edward. The dreamy ZOMG mysterious hotttt guy in this book is named ... Patch. Yes, you read that correctly: PATCH. Are you fucking kidding me? Is he a stray dog with a comical patch of dark fur over his eye? Is he a rag doll? Is he the main character in a perfectly dreadful film with Robin Williams as a comical children's oncologist (because if you think cancer is funny, children's cancer is even MORE funny)? There is nothing sexy about "Patch." Nicotine patch? No. Pumpkin patch? Unless you have some weird fetish not yet documented by the DSM-IV, no. Eye patch? Well, maybe, if you like pirates, like, a lot. But pirates? I don't know. They are mostly not sexy except for Jack Sparrow. On the whole they are ill groomed, have poor dental hygiene, and possess questionable morality. Soul patch? Um, just, no.
- The plain, brainy, yet everyone-wants-her narrator in Twilight is named Bella Swan. In this book, her name is Nora Grey. Same number of syllables, but note that the last name of the former is a NOUN, and the last name of the latter is an ADJECTIVE in the BRITISH spelling.
- Edward the vampire can read minds. The mysterious hot boy can put thoughts in the brainy yet somehow irresistible narrator's head. See? It's totally different.
However, if I come across any mention of "chagrin," "dust moats [sic]," "dazzling," or "favorite kind of heroin," I am out. Out, I tell you.
OMG I just realized they both have baseball.